In an effort to dispel some of the gloom I've been spreading around this site recently, I've combed through current events in search of a little comedy. As some of the items below suggest, however, the line between what's funny and what's sad can get a little blurred sometimes.
MORE HICKIES ON RUSH'S RUMP
Rush Limbaugh showed up for his ninety –minute harangue to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)
dressed all in black with his shirt open down to his navel (or at least where he last remembers seeing said navel some two decades ago). Thus far, efforts at an adequate characterization of how he looked have not done him justice, although “low-level Yugoslavian mobster” is getting there. Personally I really thought Limbaugh must be striving to to address the gaping gender gap among his listeners by coming across as a Lubbock photocopier salesman trying to put the make on the divorcee (X 3 )who used to answer the phones at the loan company before it went (forgive me, Rush) belly-up.
The Demos have seized upon the notion of making Rush the face of the Republican party, an idea that makes the Repubs squirm, albeit very quietly, while emboldening His Blowhardship to challenge ol’ Oby himself to come on down for an on-air debate. Meanwhile, Rush’s attacks on Republican Chairman Michael Steele first elicited a surprisingly bold rejoinder from Steele: "Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer. Rush Limbaugh—his whole thing is entertainment. Yes, it's incendiary. Yes, it's ugly."
Sure enough, however, in a matter of hours, the ruckus raised by Rush’s army of dittoheads led Steele to follow the lead of Georgia Congressman Phil Gingery (chronicled on this very site a few weeks ago) in falling over himself to plant a bit sloppy smacker right on Rush’s two-ton tushy: "There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership....There are those out there who want to look at what he's saying as incendiary and divisive and ugly. That's what I was trying to say. It didn't come out that way."
The Repubs are willing to humiliate themselves in this fashion because, incapable of any response to the Oby stimulus package other than sheer bullheaded obstructionism, they have nothing to say that they figure would appeal to more folks than the 20 million lost souls who, so Rush would have us believe, constitute his following.[I Told You So Update! Remember you heard this here first!] Let’s just say a closer look at how these numbers are actually assembled makes them more than a little suspect. Best I can tell from wading through reams of jibber-jabber on this, radio audience measurement is still done largely based on the diary entries of listeners who try to recall what was coming out of their radios during at least five minutes of a fifteen-minute segment of their day. This means that Rush’s numbers would include all of those who pushed the “seek” button and suffered the misfortune of having the tuner stop on Rush, only to suffer the further misfortune of either getting a call on their cell at precisely that moment or, more likely, of simply having to pull over immediately and toss their lunches before they could reach under the seat for their trusty Glocks and put their radioes out of their misery. Under the current counting system, these folks would show up alongside the greatly to-be-pitied souls who actually make conscious decisions to let the pussel-gutted poobah of bombast and misinformation assault their eardrums for three hours, five days a week.
All of this would mean that the number of people actually hearing Rush at any one point could, by generous estimate, be set more accurately at two to three million. Mind you, that’s still an enormous wad of truly scary people, but I figure that when you weed out all of Rush’s minions who can’t find the registrar’s office (or think it is perched right on the edge of the world and might topple off with them in it) or believe that voting is part of a Commie plot or that voting machines are actually cleverly disguised sources of Satanic possession, you’re left with about 650 votes.
Right before the election last fall, a well-known and respected national poll put Rush’s approval rating among likely voters at just north of 20 percent.
Even if we allow that Rush’s audience has actually grown some as he challenges Oby to go at it hippo a mano, we might note the former now enjoys a 42 percent approval rating among Republicans. That’s to say that roughly as many GOP’ers like what Oby’s up to as disapprove of Rush. It’s enough to make you wonder about the math skills of the Repub braintrust, especially when you consider that even if Rush did have twenty million followers who would vote precisely as he directed, that would still put him about fifty million short of Oby’s vote count in November.
RENT-A-JEW PLAN PROMISES MORE DIVERSITY FOR DOTHAN
Appearing to break with a great tradition in Louisiana politics, a state lawmaker raised more than a few eyebrows among his colleagues when he announced, “I can’t be bought!" but they were immediately reassured when he added, “but I can be rented.”
I thought of this little episode when I read of a Dothan, Alabama philanthropist’s plan to bring more Jewish families to his fair city. According to the Montgomery Advertiser,
In return for resettling and being active with the congregation for at least five years, families are reimbursed as much as $50,000 to cover items including moving expenses, housing, outstanding debt, education, temple dues and seed money for a small business.
Temple Emanu-El, like many synagogues in Southern towns, has been shrinking for decades as young people leave for big cities like Atlanta. Dothan isn't exactly a hot spot for Jews [I really love journalists who have a flair for understatement] The town is smack in the middle of the Bible Belt and calls itself the "Peanut Capital of the World." [Would those be Kosher Peanuts, not to mention Salmonella-free?]
The first couple to sign up for Dothan’s rent-a-Jew program were Matthew and Michelle Reed, who were quick to embrace the deal, due perhaps in part to Michelle’s family ties to the area.
"We always wanted to raise our kids Jewish, but we didn't want to do it in North Carolina," said Michelle…. "We didn't know anything about the temples up there.” [What’s up with this? Do Jewish Tarheels handle snakes or something?]
Leaders of the relocation program couldn't be happier with their first catch.
"We are just so thrilled to have this family here. They are just a perfect fit," said Rob Goldsmith, executive director of Blumberg Family Jewish Community Services, which oversees the recruiting project.
A “perfect fit?” even though ol’ Matt “was raised Mormon and is in the process of converting to Judaism.” ? On the other hand, given Matt’s background, this could actually lead to several new families for the price of one, I suppose. In any event, who am I to judge in such matters, especially since I have relocated several times in response to inducements. In truth, the ones presented to me were not financial subsidies. They ones I’ve been given actually have been more stick than carrot, aimed not at getting me to come somewhere but to go somewhere--anywhere--else. Some were comments such as “We’ve had right smart of houses burnin’ up round here recently. Sure do hope that don’t happen to you.” That one took a while to sink in, I admit, but no sooner did I learn that one of the locals had observed “ that ’ere squirrely little perfesser feller shore does have a purty mouth on him, don’t he?” than I was on the phone to Mayflower squealing like a pig.
COMING SOON TO A COURTROOM NEAR YOU: THE “ NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF EMOTIONAL TRAUMA CAUSED BY MY STUPID NAME!” DEFENSE.
Among the felony indictees from the recent session of the Hart County , Ga., Grand Jury were the following:
DERRICK YAMANEEK WILLIAMS
RANTARIUS VONTRELL RUCKER
DAMORIUS DONTAVIOUS GAINES
TERRAYVIOUS MYKAL TATE
KENEKA LATOYA JOHNSON
LEIF LAFARR WRIGHT
DEMETRIUS SANCHEZ SMITH
STANTAVIOUS D. MAXWELL
LAKEIKUS CHARMEZ HARPER
WAYNTARIOUS SHANE MOORE
I rest my case.
IN CASE, YOU’RE WORRIED THAT SOME OF THE MONSTROUSLY MONIKERED TYPES LISTED ABOVE MIGHT TARGET YOU WHEN THEY GET OUT, HERE’S AN ECONOMICAL WAY TO PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE, COURTESY OF MY FRIEND JOHNTAVARIOUS SHELTONEKA REED:
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
