January 2006 Archives

BOYCOTT 'EM BACK TO THE STONE AGE!!

I see now that, in an impressive show of redneck solidarity,the governors of Georgia and Arkansas have aked residents of their states to join Alabama's boycott of Aruba. I shudder at the terrible consequences for this tiny nation that this awesome tri-state alliance surely portends. No more beer-goggled male tourists in tube socks and polyester shorts yelling " Hot damn! Ernest, did you see that sweet thang in the yaller thong?" No more inquiries at the Tourist Bureau about the closest Ryan's Steakhouse or four-wheeler rental agency or Motel 6. No more "Roll Tide" or "How 'bout them Dawgs!" or "S-o-o-o-e-e Pigs!"
The revenue shortfalls resulting from the loss of these high-rolling sophisticates is almost certain to plunge Aruba into an economic crisis, which will just as likely lead to serious deterioration of the social fabric. Why, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see the murder rate triple and the infant mortality rate rise by 50 percent or more. If that happens, Arubans would find themselves confronting roughly the same conditions that currently prevail in the states whose governors who have declared Aruba too backward and unsafe for their citizens to visit.

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