(Before you proceed, the Ol' Bloviator wants you to know that you can also read this piece over on LiketheDew.com. If you are the least bit interested in the South and don't know this site, you should skedaddle over there right now. O.B.)
Enumerating his wife's eccentric but endearing traits in the offbeat love song, In Spite of Ourselves, John Prine notes that "convict movies make her horny." Weddings have the same effect on an old friend of mine, although he claims said effect is completely neutralized if they play jazz at the reception. It's fair to say that most of us have probably heard of some fairly weird "turn ons" in our day, but leave it to Newton Leroy Gingrich to come up with a new aphrodisiac. Apparently, it's good old-fashioned patriotism that gets the job done for him down there, or so he told the Christian Broadcasting Network yesterday as he tried to explain his mid-1990s affair (with a woman 23 years his junior) that came at the same time he was giving one William Jefferson Clinton down the country for his carryings on with that sweet, demure Ms. Lewinsky. Gingrich's take on his own rather hypocritical extramarital hook-up at that point is that, "partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country...I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."
I suppose this
means that it was the "Morning in America" euphoria of the Reagan Revolution that triggered an overpowering urge to get the fur off his antlers by dumping the first Ms. Newt while she
was reportedly recovering from cancer in 1980 in favor of the woman who would later serve as Ms. Newt II until the crusading excitement
of the 1994 "Contract with America" got his hormones to raging once again,
spurring his illicit entanglement with the attractive blonde who is now - at least
until the Tea Party's superpatriotic fervor inevitably sets her hubby's loins
astir once more-- Ms. Newt III. 
(Here's the happy couple--as of now, that is. Note the strange phallic symbol in the background)
Say what you will about this former history professor-turned-congressman-turned-Speaker-of-the-House-then-turned-out-of-the-House-altogether, he's always danced to his own tune. I can't help but wonder, however, whether this link between patriotic zeal and unleashed lust is entirely peculiar to Newt. I mean, there were those legendary sotto voce southern tales of out-of-wedlock "camp-meeting" babies sired at revival meetings where the almost palpable presence of the Holy Spirit apparently moved the exhilarated young brothers and sisters to slip off into the bushes and do some downright unGodly things.
I can't say I've actually ever heard of similar reactions even to Kate Smith's overpowering rendition of "God Bless America," although let's face it, Kate's era was the 1940s and 50s when most people were persuaded that sex was definitely part of the communist conspiracy. For my part, I can certainly say in all candor that, other than instigating a franctic search for the "mute" button, Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A." doesn't do a thing for me. Still, I wonder if Newt hasn't let the cat out of the bag here for a lot of people. Does the trend over the last generation or so toward having the national anthem rendered totally unrecognizable by the likes of Christina Aguilera have roots in concerns over a mass group-grope breaking out at the Super Bowl? Is there any truth to the rumor that Viagra actually started out as a little red, white and blue pill? By any chance, does Hugh Hefner have John Philip Sousa's "Stars & Stripes Forever" playing on continuous loop in his boudoir? Or maybe all he needs is a jump-start from Elton Britt's country classic, "There's a Star-Spangled Banner Waving Somewhere."
Speaking of Viagra and boudoirs, where does this leave the aforementioned Bubba C.? If horniness is a correlate of dedication to country, then, by golly, it's time for those other guys on Mt. Rushmore to move over and make room for a real patriot.
