By way of a personal update and a thoroughly contrived segue into this post, let me say that the Ol' Bloviator's general condition has improved in the seven weeks since he was struck down by a mysterious hit-and-run driver--or actually hit-apologize-then-run driver. It came as no surprise, I'm sure, that, even in the way he gets himself run over, the O.B. is a trend-setter. Note this report from over there in suburban Hotlanta about Carol Floyd, a lady in his age bracket who was knocked down in a crosswalk, which in Georgia is seen as similar to a "free-fire" zone, by a woman who, like O.B.'s assailant, stopped to apologize and gave evidence of intending to hang around, only to think better of it and shag ass. Floyd was reportedly "angry" that the woman who hit her had "fled the scene." Carol, I've been there, honey. Just try not to let your anger eat at you from the inside.
There's
a related story here as well that may well explain this spate of vehicular
assaults on honest, hard-working oldsters like Carol and me. It seems a Florida
lady recently caused a two-vehicle accident while trying to shave behind the wheel. (Warning: Some may think that the Ol' Bloviator briefly succumbs to insensitivity and bad taste in the paragraph that follows. Those who wish to continue to hold him up as a role model might be wise to skip down just a bit.)
I'll grant you that this good sister doesn't exactly come across as a former
Miss America or even Miss Sylacauga, for that matter, but you can see that she
ain't sporting so much as a five-o'clock shadow. The fact is she wasn't shaving
her face or nose or ears or even her armpits and legs. She
was doing a little trim job in what the reporter euphemistically called her
"bikini area." The hell of it is that her ex-husband was in the car with her,
but apparently only riding shotgun, although the two of them tried to switch
places after the accident. I don't know anything about why that ol' boy would
be in the car with her on such an occasion, especially since she explained
later that she was on her way to meet her boyfriend and was just trying to tidy
up a little bit down there in order to be "ready for the visit." I will say to
the ex that he, of all people, should have known better. If there could be
anything worse than seeing his former wife in a bikini, it surely must be
seeing her landscaping the terrain that a bikini is supposed to conceal. It
wouldn't do, I guess, to get into what "look" she might have been working toward--the
"airstrip" (Think 747, I'm guessing), the "Hitler" (She does have something of
the neo-Nazi look, I'd say) or (God help us!) the "Yul Brynner." The latter, of
course, is not recommended for inexperienced drivers or trimmers or trips
shorter than 100 miles, and this entire activity is especially discouraged in
Alabama, where the pothole problem is just plain out of hand. It's small wonder
that, so I'm told, the more natural "Willie Nelson" look is popular over that
way. I have no proof, of course, that the woman who ran down Carol or me was trying
to coif herself down there at the time, but you have to admit that someone who was
doing something like that while driving would surely have extra incentive not to
hang around and spill her guts about it to a cop.
We're
being totally unfair, of course, to read so much into anyone's mug shot, which, let's face it, was not likely
taken at a time when a person was at his or her best. Ain't that right, Nick?
I don't reckon "the Godfather" felt much like
belting out "I feel good!" when his photo was snapped either.
Some
folks manage though to come through mostly as they are even in this most trying
of circumstances. Here's Larry King, for example, who was probably hauled in
for inflicting mass boredom on the City of Miami in 1971.
There are others, like poor ol' Hank Williams, here, whose jailhouse snapshots tell us instantly of a promising life gone tragically to hell.
Though
it's not quite the same, most of us have been victimized at one time or other
by the dreaded driver's license photo.
This guy, for example, looks as though
either "Wanted Dead or Alive" or more appropriately, "Is He Dead or Alive?"
should be scrolling right beneath his chin. If you can identify this poor soul
or know of his whereabouts, please contact the Humane Society right away so
that he can be euthanized quickly and be put out of his misery--and everybody
else's, too.
