He Done Rush Wrong, and, Oh, the Price that He Paid!

Whenever I hear a “giant sucking sound,” I can’t help but think of ol’ Ross Perot’s use of the phrase back in 1993 to describe the rapid and massive southward pull on American jobs and capital that would ensue when NAFTA went into effect. God knows there has been plenty of that these past fifteen years, but the giant sucking sound I heard the other day was of a different origin. Actually, best as I could tell, it was coming from somewhere on the vast, unmapped surface of one of Rush Limbaugh’s Siberia-sized buttocks. The precise point of origin of the sucking sound is less important, in my opinion, than its source, and I’m pretty sure what I heard was the result of the forcible removable of a remarkably sustained and incredibly intense lip lock planted on Rush’s backside by one Phil Gingrey, who represents Georgia’s 11th District in the United States House of Representatives.
How, you asked, had Rep. Gingrey come to attach his lips to the corpulent caboose of a self-serving, shystering blowhard like Rush in the first place? Actually, it all began with something Rush said. Doesn’t everything?
Solicited for a brief statement of his hopes for the Obama presidency, Rush obligingly responded, “I hope he fails,"taking care, of course, to revel repeatedly in his own calculated outrageousness until everyone in North America had heard about it twice, including our new prez. Regrettably, President Obama then proceeded to warn Republicans,
“You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done,” thereby serving up just the kind of tidbit that Rush, whose ego makes even his rear end seem miniscule, loves to flaunt before his mindless, doting audience of “dittoheads.” Oby’s comments, a smirking Rush triumphantly declared, meant that the President was obviously more frightened of him than the likes of House Minority Leader John Boehner (Does this guy have a tanning bed in his office? Even on his worst days, George Hamilton’s tan never looked that phony. Also, wanna bet his family doesn’t actually pronounce it “Boner”?) or Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell..
It was at this point that Rep. Gingrey committed the apostasy that would ultimately force him to Hoover the elephantine booty of the venomous high priest of hate radio. Asked to comment on Limbaugh’s self-aggrandizing aspersions on his party’s leaders, Gingrey responded, “It’s easy if you’re Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh or even sometimes Newt Gingrich to stand back and throw bricks. You don’t have to try to do what’s best for your people and your party. You know you’re just on these talk shows and you’re living well and plus you stir up a bit of controversy and gin the base and that sort of that thing.
Suffice it to say, the good congressman’s modest rebuke of Rush and his right-wing running buddies didn’t set very well with many of his constituents in Cobb County, which may have the highest density of dittoheads per capita in the entire country. It was scarcely twenty-four hours before Gingrey had elevated groveling to an art form, not only on his web site but live with The Man himself, who graciously allowed the suddenly sycophantic Phil the opportunity to humiliate himself in the ears of millions of eager listeners.
At the risk of overtaxing your gag reflexes here, courtesy of the Hotlanta paper, is just a taste of how it went:

Gingrey the Gelded: Rush, thank you so much. I thank you for the opportunity, of course this is not exactly the way to I wanted to come on, but I appreciate you giving me the opportunity.
Mainly, I want to express to you and all your listeners my very sincere regret for those comments I made yesterday….I clearly ended up putting my foot in my mouth on some of those comments, and I just wanted to tell you, Rush — and all our conservative giants, who help us so much to maintain our base and grow it to get back this majority — that I regret those stupid comments.

Limbaugh the Megalomaniacal
: Well, look, I appreciate that. I have quite a bit of experience with people in the media, and they loved the little storm that they were able to create yesterday, and I thought this was one of the goals.
….But it is what it is, and I’m glad that you called. And I read your explanation on the web site. We all want to be on the same team here, congressman. Our numbers are dwindling in Congress and we want to reverse that…. I understand why you guys might be upset with me. I don’t have thin skin,[ This is hard to believe, considering how stretched it is] and when I make the statement that it appears the president’s more concerned with me than he is with Mitch McConnell or John Boehner, I can understand it might offend some people…

Damn magnanimous of ol’ Rush, wouldn’t you say? A good Alabama friend of mine said it far better than I could when he observed, " It is a shame an elected United States congressman feels he has to prostrate himself and beg the forgiveness of that pill-popping asshole." The scary thing is, this arrogant, hate-spewing bastard is the public face of the American Right at this point, and if sensible Republicans and conservatives of any stripe can’t find the courage to stand up to him and expose him for the manipulative demagogue that he is, they’re going, sooner rather than later in my opinion, to be grappling with his political stalking horse, and it may well be someone who makes Sarah Palin look both liberal and thoughtful by comparison. As to the Dems, if Oby wants the Repubs to tune out Rush, he’s going to have to affix a volume control to the likes of Pelosi and Reid. This is not to say that they deserve to be lumped with the likes of Limbaugh and his ilk, but he’s going to have convince the more overtly partisan in his own ranks to cool it a little and make it clear to the more rigidly ideological that the so-called Stimulus Package is not simply a vehicle for resurrecting the Great Society. Lots of luck to both Oby and the Repubs as they confront their assignments, and just for the record, I hope like hell neither of them fail
Realizing that many of his faithful readers are surely more charitable in spirit than the ol’ Bloviator, I have taken pains to secure the latest information on the physical and emotional conditions of both Rush and Phil after the painful and protracted trauma of having the latter’s lips forcefully separated from the former’s butt, a process, so I’m told, that required the combined exertions of the entire cadre of Budweiser Clydesdales with Babe the Blue Ox standing by just in case. Although he complained of a monstrous hickey on his hiney, Rush was apparently almost giddy as he assured supporters that there was nothing wrong with him that a couple of fist-fulls of Percodan wouldn’t take care of. Alas, the good Congressman didn’t fare quite so well as the prolonged contraction of his lips left them not only grotesquely stretched but flaccid and uncontrollable. Aides urged him to accept an invitation to affiliate with an exceedingly charitable sect of Ubangis, but, speaking through an interpreter, Gingrey, a former OB-GYN, divulged that medical colleagues had advised him of some new cosmetic surgery techniques pertaining to similar skin formations located in body areas within his field of expertise. (If you don’t get it, and you’re sure REALLY want to, mash here.) With luck these procedures may well restore enough definition to Gingrey’s lips to spare him any future embarrassment beyond occasional instances of being confused with Carol Channing or Goldie Hawn.

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This page contains a single entry by Jim Cobb published on January 30, 2009 11:32 AM.

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